"A healer doesn't heal you. A healer is someone who holds space for you to awaken your inner healer, so that you can heal yourself." ~ Mary Laugh
I sobbed quite hysterically, sat down on the kitchen floor and lost myself.
It really felt like my life was falling apart. And I was too.
I was working so hard to start a meaningful business that would change the world and help others, as well as heal myself from acute physical symptoms. But it seemed that the harder I tried, the less things worked.
Taking deep breaths, my head moved slightly from my knees.
What on earth was wrong with me? Due to the crashing waves of my emotional response, the thought in my head that was driving my meltdown was incomprehensible.
But somehow, eventually, I found myself able to fully raise my head and see my distorted reflection in the stainless steel door of the dishwasher.
He was sitting with me the whole time.
My endlessly loving partner, Jonathan, took the place.
I remember the first time I turned to a friend and said, "What exactly does it mean to have space?" I asked with the curiosity of a child, like a little human who doesn't yet know what a word means.
Because with something like this, can any of us find the words to accurately explain it?
She used a story in an attempt to define it, "When I was really worried about something, I went to my friend's house and just put it out there. My friend was just able to listen to me and Just so you know... hold the place."
"Holding space" is a concept that is hard to define without using similar words to describe it. But as she explained it to me, I realized that I've been lucky enough to have many experiences with people who have had a place for me, and I for them.
When it comes down to it, what exactly are we doing when we're "holding space?"
The interesting thing about this word is that we're not actually "holding" anything.
When your daughter comes home from school and wants to tell you all about her day, and you … you're holding the spot.
When your boyfriend thinks about how hard he worked that day, and you give him your full attention…
When you are exiting one thing or the other or all, and someone looks at you with complete acceptance…that is the place.
When you are both recognizing what is happening in the present, and are ready to step into a new reality…
Holding Space is about being in space .
It is about being fully present with the experience. The holding space is looking at someone without judgment and looking at them through loving kindness. Holding space is recognizing that although we may all stumble, we are all so powerful as well.
Holding space is like holding the door open for one to walk in to experience a new model of the world. It is rather to realize that inside the walls, taking literally breath to replace, open and just there to get a place to live is where we are.
What we are really doing when we hold the position is nothing but pure acceptance – of ourselves, of others and of the moment.
As puts it, "When we are looking for compassion, we need someone who is deeply rooted, able to bend over, and above all, embrace us for our strengths and struggles." Is."
Those kind, rooted people in our lives are invaluable in helping us weather the storm and stand in the light again. But what happens when that other person is not available to you at that moment?
Having space does not mean that someone else is physically present with us or directly listening to us. Each of you can have a place for yourself. When you're going through something big (or seemingly small), you can make room for yourself by tapping into self-compassion. defines the three components of self-compassion as self-compassion, common humanity, and mindfulness.
Self-kindness involves warmth and understanding towards ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate. Self-grace involves being gentle with ourselves when you face a traumatic experience, rather than ignoring our pain or hurting ourselves with self-criticism.
Normal humanity is the reminder that we all suffer. We are all mortal, weak and imperfect. This suffering is part of a shared human experience. Realizing that within that space can help us feel less isolated and more connected.
is taking a balanced approach to our challenging emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. Rather than "over-identifying" with our thoughts and feelings, mindfulness is the desire to approach our negative thoughts and feelings with openness, clarity, and equanimity. It is a non-judgmental way of becoming aware of our inner experience without trying to suppress or deny it.
We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion at the same time. This means, the more you can have room for yourself, the more you can have room for others. In that space, we all experience what it means to feel unconditional love.
When you feel unconditional love, you are able to fully experience your own self and who you really are. There is a calmness and clarity and the ability to love the world as it is.
This is where the true power comes from. When we are able to love unconditionally, all our thoughts, words and actions flow from it. We're bringing more of that love into the world.
This means that having space is not beneficial for just one. Everyone benefits from this.
By loving ourselves we also have room for the world.
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